I had an incredible thought today: I used to be skinny. I don’t think I ever in my life really realized it until now… now that I’ve packed on about 40 lbs of preggo. I had this revelation when I accidentally pulled out a piece of pre-pregnancy clothing that I used to wear but now I swear it looks like only a child could fit in it. I think I feel relieved somehow, though, almost like I was “set free” from requiring myself to look waif-like, especially throughout my dancing days. There’s something so powerfully liberating about embracing the femininity of pregnancy and impending motherhood. Perhaps “flab” will be involved once there’s not a baby to fill out the curves, but hey, dear women, we are still wonderfully made. I don’t think I ever thought I’d say those words, but when I look back at pictures of myself from the last 5 years or so I almost don’t recognize myself. I don’t remember looking like that, even though I remember how I felt emotionally – I felt insecure, unworthy, flawed, and overly conscious about every blemish. Compare that to this new chapter of feeling complete, strong even in my weakness, confident in who I am. Not to say that I don’t have days of being nauseated by my own cellulite and stretch marks sprouting up in random places, but I have found that my value is vastly more than what meets my eyes when I look in the mirror. Even that is changing… what I see when I look at myself. Now I automatically look deeper, to my identity, to the core of who I am and who I am becoming. Nowadays, I make myself look in the mirror and say “You are loved, you are a mother, you are a lover, you are a beautiful creation…” That is the truth. Will I miss being a size 4? Honestly, who gives a damn. Do I miss my long, auburn hair? Well, actually yes, but that was my choice and now I know how much I defined my own beauty by my hair. How silly is that? Pretty silly. Girls, I hate to say it, but we can be pretty silly, and I think we need to get over it.
We are beautiful.
It doesn’t matter who we think is noticing. We just are.
You are a treasure, my dear.
Don’t let anyone, even yourself, tell you any different.
Christa said,
May 7, 2010 at 2:08 pm
Wonderful blog. Although you were self-conscious and down on yourself at points in your life, you have ALWAYS been incredibly beautiful. Striking, head-turning beautiful. I am glad you have “outgrown” some of it emotionally, mentally…because you are right. We just ARE beautiful. No matter what the world’s interpretation or standards are, we just are. But you have always had not only a stunning appearance but a breathtakingly beautiful soul…which has always shined through in everything that you do. You have brought more to people than you realize, through your words, your dance, your attitude, and your love. Just wanted to let you know that!! Love you Bri. I love reading everything you have to say…you are inspirational.
Faith said,
May 7, 2010 at 3:20 pm
You are wonderful and I love you.
Also, you have ALWAYS been gorgeous. I’m glad you have a husband now to tell you that whenever and even more often than you need to hear it (and he better do so, or else!) . . . and you are possibly the most adorable pregnant woman I have ever seen.
Thanks for the message of this. Sometimes it is hard to get past the “dancer ideals” –but life is better on the other side.
Becky said,
May 7, 2010 at 5:14 pm
Thank you Brianna. This is am awesome post…and you are too!
emily gaskins said,
May 7, 2010 at 9:39 pm
Preach it, sister!!!
Senneca said,
May 8, 2010 at 6:41 am
Beautifully said.
Danie said,
May 8, 2010 at 6:03 pm
So True! Thanks for sharing Brianna! I needed this one.
Ashley said,
May 8, 2010 at 8:17 pm
Love this!!!!
Annie said,
June 9, 2010 at 12:36 am
What an amazing post!! I think you have a real grace on you to walk in the truth of this…the enemy so comes against women with self-hatred, it is HARD for us to say these things. Literally standing in front of the mirror and making your mouth say “I am beautiful” is such a powerful way to have victory! I love it!