So yes, I have 2 topics to discuss, neither of them are related…..
or are they?
Until a few years ago, I’d consider myself an extrovert. I was a social butterfly thriving on human interaction, unhappy to be alone. In fact, I struggled with feeling so isolated when I happened to be alone that I used to pretend I was in a movie and that what I did actually was important even if no one was around. Strange. I can’t deny it.
But now it’s different. I’m not exactly sure when or how the change took place, but I know it was sometime around the time when Gabriel and I met and got married. Perhaps I just found what my soul needed and I no longer suffer from such fearful insecurity when I’m by myself. Anyway, whenever that change did take place, I also started noticing that I felt more and more awkward around people. Small talk became draining, as did social interaction in general, especially with new acquaintances. This is so opposite of the way I used to be, it baffles me. Maybe all of my social energy is used up while trying to communicate with my linguistically immature toddler, or perhaps I save all my “heart to heart” energy for conversations with my husband or mother. I don’t know. It confuses me. It’s something I’ve thought about lately.
While I still look forward to social gatherings (possibly out of habit), I’ve found that I routinely give myself a pep talk about not blabbering on and on to some poor bystander, or goodness sake for once could I just not make the conversation revolve around me. How could that be so hard? I don’t know, but I do it every time and walk away kicking myself for the self-centered, socially starved, newly introverted awkward turtle that I have become. I love people. I love talking. I love listening to what people have to say. But dang, it takes a lot of energy to keep my mouth shut. Energy that I apparently don’t have. Oh well. I guess I shouldn’t even worry about making an impression on new friends, because chances are I’m coming across as an irritating blabbermouth and thus ends any potential friendship before it even begins.
I think too much.
On to the next topic.
So yes, those Old Wives had me fooled, as most people know by now. I’m still in disbelief at how my pregnancy symptoms are saying one thing but the ultrasound is saying another. It’s DEFINITELY a boy. But this time couldn’t be more different than the last. Every now and then I’ll take one of those silly gender prediction tests just for the amusement of it and they always say “Congrats you’re having a girl!” Whatever. I’m having another boy and I couldn’t be more thrilled. Okay, wait, I take it back. I could be more thrilled if I wasn’t feeling like a tub of lard with lead in my shoes, but I’m making the best of it. I’m so excited that I’m going to have 2 boys so close together. Yes I know it will be challenging, but I think I’d rather make 2 close siblings of the same gender rather than opposite gender. The girl can come later. And by “later” I mean at least 2 years after this one. My poor depleted body needs some recovery time after this. At least, that’s my plan. But when has my plan ever happened?
bec said,
September 15, 2011 at 11:19 pm
as far as the social aspect, i think you’ve expressed here what a lot of people feel, i certainly being one of them. i spend a lot of time and effort on my relationship with my husband and the great friendship that that has become. it seems that the energy i put into the most important people in my life drains me of my ability to interact with others on a deeper level – and i tire quickly of small talk. yet, for some inexplicable reason, foot-in-mouth disease has become a serious problem, for which i feel gross embarrassment, albeit After the fact. James said, “All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and sea creatures are being tamed and have been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue.” i guess we both know where we need to turn to, then.
Kacie said,
September 17, 2011 at 9:08 am
oh, i am so with you on the social stuff–i might be a die-hard introvert, but i was always a social one. i used to do college ministry and work with admissions and work conferences and go to shows and purposefully work the intern cafeteria, all so i could fulfill whatever need i seemed to have to be around people and to get to know them while advancing the kingdom of God. then darin came along and won my heart and all my affections, and right along with biblical precedent (1 cor 7), my mind became consumed with the things which please my husband instead of the former things of building relationships with others and focusing wholeheartedly on God. it’s a struggle now to be in the great company of others without being ultimately drained and lazily self-centered with my speech. it takes work that i feel i’m not capable of providing anymore, especially since kids. sometimes it’s even hard to focus on darin after a long day with the littles; i just feel so tired and don’t want to make the effort to focus outwardly.
strange how the vocations of wife and mother so easily change us!
thankfully i married an extreme extrovert who happens to talk to anything with ears, so when we’re out with friends now, i just stay by him and let him lead the conversations. might be an easy escape, but it’s one i feel mildly justified to take these days.