Coffee spoons

…turn to brown.” – Paul Simon

“Put away the old September blues.” – My Morning Jacket

Praise Jesus it’s the last day of September.  I absolutely LOVE October.  In fact, it rivals April as my favorite month.  I always wanted to get married in October, if for no other reason than the color palette.  But we just couldn’t wait that long, and I’m glad, because then this October would have been wrecked with wedding planning stress.  And I get to spend this entire month enjoying the already established wedded bliss.  October is the most beautiful month to me, donning a variety of meanings with each season of my life… transition, harvest, melancholy loneliness, beautiful life begetting beautiful death (morbid, but true), and most importantly, the birth of my amazing brother in 1987.

Daniel Elias Crisler.  I was only 3, but I remember.  I remember the cool air outside and the orange leaves in our neighborhood.  I remember staying the night at Sharon Taylor’s house and eating a granny smith apple.  I remember being afraid for my mother.  And I remember when Poppa finally came and got me and brought me to Mom, who gave me a baby doll I named Betsy Blue.  The IV in Mom’s hand upset me, and I couldn’t understand why it didn’t hurt her.  Her long red hair was down and she wore a cotton nightgown that she would sometimes let me sleep with.  I remember when she showed me the “chocolate spot” birthmark on the back of my new brother’s leg, pointing out that it was because of all the chocolate milkshakes she and I had shared during her pregnancy.  I remember the chocolate milkshakes at Trowbridges, and how special that time was for me.  I remember sitting across from her in that little downtown ice cream shop, thinking how pretty my mommy was when she smiled with her blue eyes, the same blue eyes that I had and that we would soon see on my brother’s tiny face.  Who would’ve thought that such an incredible young man could be born from such love and chocolate milkshakes?

October is beautiful to me.  It always has been. I am so glad it’s only a few hours away.

This month has been so full and busy.  I’ve been a little stressed.  But now, the crisp air and pumpkin spice season is helping to melt that all away.  All over again, I feel that feeling of “I’m exactly where I’ve always wanted to be”.  I’m perfectly content.  My aches and pains, my busy work schedule, money issues… it’s all irrelevant because of the simple things, which actually add up to be vital to my happiness.  For instance, I like to swim and I went swimming today at the gym, I like my job and knowing that I have the ability to help people, I rest in the fact that everything is going to work out as it should…  And to top it off, I’m in love.  In love for good.  He’s not ever gonna leave me.  Which is the greatest gift anyone has ever given me.

That’s all I have to say now.  But if you’re interested, here’s a sort of “ode to October” I wrote about 3 years ago (back when I thought I could write poetry). It’s a little emo, but that was the season I was in at the time, trying to come out of the fog:

October rains breathe fresh colors to my mind,
my story has been a canvas of grayer hues.
October streets lead me around this little maze.
only now i see what i used to have,
what i have now, and what i still need.
fears of the dark, i hope they die
because life without squinting, staring at the sun
is enough challenge for me and a wheezing soul.

Looking at these trees awakens my mind,
to think how colorful it is to die,
and how every tiny life
is its own rainbow, a passing glory before its end.
it’s a season.  seasons come and go.
and this is the one where i feel most at home.
i’m lost in some dream, together or alone,
of color and of rain, and rainbows you can touch.
just be quiet and let me walk in it, rest in it
and breathe.

Old bad dreams are still calling from a distance,
and once again they’re like ships on shiny seas.
reminds me of what i want, if not what i need,
and that somewhere someone loves me
though i’ve begged hard to be free.
words and light are fighting for my life.
i can’t expect to be fully understood.
you know, it really doesn’t  matter,
i mean, i don’t, or what i give.
still there’s something stuck inside me
that keeps screaming and won’t give.
i try to walk the streets of the norm,
and sing the songs that i’m given.
but it’s hard not to count the sins
i’m supposed to have forgiven.

From death comes life, or so i’ve heard,
and i’m still working on that one.
it’s hard to breathe in empty tombs,
but then again, they’re not for the living.
i guess that’s why i’m walking now,
or at least i’m trying to remember how,
and it’s these October streets that find my feet
and look up to see my face smile.

smile.

yeah.  what a thought.
there’s life out there, you know?
you just gotta keep running
…and loving.
which takes learning
…and trusting.
God, this is so hard.
…but it’s living.