It’s been over 2 months since Isaiah Samuel Paduganan was born, but I will vividly remember that story as long as I live. I don’t care if anyone reads this, I’m writing it because it brings me joy to talk about that day – or “days”, rather… let me explain… 
Labor – the first 2 days
I reached 40 weeks of pregnancy with no signs of real labor, aside from 2 separate occasions of disappointing false labor weeks earlier. I was so irritated. I walked vigorously for 2 miles, scrubbed the floor, took a hot bath – anything I could think of to bring on contractions. At last check, I had been 80% effaced but let’s just say Isaiah’s head wasn’t quite lined up against the “door” right. When my due date came and went, I started feeling desperate and began looking into natural means of induction. Finally, one of those methods worked (ask me personally if you’re interested in knowing) and my contractions began suddenly at 3 minutes apart, slowing to 8 minutes apart at 2pm on a Wednesday. I was excited but not convinced it was real. Contractions kept coming regularly, increasing in intensity but not frequency, which is when I realized that mine was not going to be a short labor. I was annoyed that I couldn’t sleep that night, hoping that I’d stay rested. Gabriel and I drove to the birth center later on Thursday, to check and make sure everything was okay since contractions were still only about 6 minutes apart. Our midwife Cathy checked and found that I was only 2 centimeters, but things still weren’t lined up exactly right which is why I was progressing so slowly. She advised me to take a walk. We went to the mall because it was air conditioned (it was a brutally hot summer day), but that is a mistake I’ll never make again. I’d been warned not to look like I was in labor because someone might call 911, so I mustered up the best acting skills I could, for I was in quite a bit of discomfort at that point. Looking back, it was really quite funny, because we would slowly walk along until I felt a contraction coming, at which point I would stop, try not to grimace, and pretend to look interested in whatever merchandise was in front of me. This was hardly believable, especially in front of athletic shoe stores and such. At the end of our mall adventure, I stopped to use the restroom at Barnes & Noble and passed my plug. I waited for my water to break but it didn’t. We drove home (by the way, being in the car is the WORST thing to do while in labor). Contractions hovered between 4 and 6 minutes apart that night, and I was starting to get very tired and frustrated. Being tired makes it much more difficult to control the pain because the only way to alleviate it is to completely relax and breathe deeply through the back of the throat – when all you want to do is tense up and yell. I made Gabriel stay up with me that night, I didn’t want to be alone. I made the poor guy time every single contraction, just because I had to feel like I maintained some kind of control or order in the situation. In retrospect, I should have definitely let him sleep, especially since I would depend on his strength to help me later.
At this point, day and night blurred together and we entered the twilight zone. I began shaking with exhaustion during each contraction. A couple times I looked hopelessly at Gabriel and said “I don’t think I can make it all the way”. Repeatedly, during the height of the discomfort, I heard this argument in my head: “I want anesthesia”, then, “No, not an option” and then I felt stronger because I knew that this was my choice. I could trust my body to do this. I was made for this. Several times over those more difficult hours, we called Debbie (our other awesome midwife) and she would breathe with me. Miraculously, I stopped shaking and felt no pain each time she helped me breathe. The poor woman had already been up for 3 days for other births and she still stayed on the phone with me. I felt like such a wimp, but I couldn’t help it.
It’s Business Time
Finally, by Friday afternoon I had decided I’d had enough, I found my second wind and said “We’re doing this! We’re doing this now!” I began pacing around the apartment, unable to sit anymore, and told my body to open up. Things started happening quicker. I checked and found that everything was lining up where it needed to be. The contractions came 2 to 3 minutes apart and we called Debbie at 7:30pm, saying we thought it might be time to meet at the birth center. She instructed me to “check” to see how dilated I was. I can’t even explain how confusing it is to try to do this to yourself while in labor… and as a result… [GUSH] I broke my water by accident. Soaking the bath mats in the bathroom, I excitedly reported what just happened. Debbie sighed and said “Congratulations, you’ll have a baby in less than 24 hours.” She was so patient and helpful through all this, though I know she was so tired.
At the Birth Center
I don’t remember much of the drive to the birth center, but it took a half hour to get there. I had prayed in the months preceding that God would give me grace for that drive when the time came, knowing how bumpy the way is. As it happened, I entered this “zone”, feeling like I was almost in a trance, which made it much less unpleasant than I had feared. This was an answer to prayer. Anyway, we arrived at almost 9pm. The lovely Cathy Gordon was standing outside to greet us as it was getting darker outside. I began having a contraction on the front porch and she took my arms and wrapped them around Gabriel’s shoulders, instructing me to go limp and let him hold me up. This is how I spent each contraction until I reached full dilation, which is why I should have let him sleep the night before. Holding up 170 lbs of pregnant, laboring woman can’t be easy. They asked if I wanted the water birth room, I said “Sure”, and also asked what kind of birthday cake I wanted (chocolate, of course). We settled into the room, Cathy and Esther (our amazing nurse) did whatever examinations were needed (I was about 7 centimeters) and gave us instructions on what to do if we needed anything, then left us alone to labor together in our cool, relaxing room. We were in the Ocean View room, which was like a large bedroom with a birthing tub near the bed. A small living room and kitchen area were adjoining the bedroom. It was so pleasant, especially compared to the cold environment of a hospital room. The lights were turned down low, my very awesome playlist of favorite songs was playing in the background, and Gabriel held me up while I breathed through my contractions. Esther was baking the birthday cake in our little kitchen, and the delicious smell of chocolate started to fill the air. Suddenly, I started to feel like I was opening up. It was awesome. Debbie showed me how to lunge into my contractions now. I heard Esther tell them that my contractions were only 60 seconds apart. “Wow”, I thought, “this must be transition… but I don’t feel frightened or dying like I thought I would.”
Push?
Only a few minutes later, I felt like the baby’s head was getting close and I had a hard time resisting the urge to push. I looked down and saw a few drops of blood on the floor under me. I was getting excited and called the midwives back. I really wanted to push the baby out while I was standing up. I had been standing for about 10 or 12 hours by then because it hurt too much to sit (which is why I didn’t have a water birth – after one contraction in that tub I said “Get me out of here, I can’t sit down!”). But I was shaking from being tired and they insisted that I lie down on the bed. Now, this is where I’d like to go back and relive this part, because what happened after I got to the bed was very confusing to me. First of all, I was caught by surprise because I didn’t realize I’d already gone through transition. Secondly, I couldn’t feel my contractions anymore once I laid down. It was dimly lit as I stared at the ceiling, I was surrounded by my 2 midwives, nurse, and Gabriel, and what it meant to “push” was not anything like I thought it was supposed to be. They kept telling me to wait until I felt a contraction to push. But no, I was getting that baby out, with or without a contraction. They tried several different things to try to help me understand how to push, including having me look at the baby’s head with the mirror while touching it with my hand. Feeling that poor kid’s squished head was NOT something I enjoyed. I just wanted him OUT! I could see his hair and I pictured his innocent baby face mercilessly compressed by my body – not a pleasant thought to me. I tried pulling on my leg while Gabe pulled hard on the other one, which resulted in me not being able to walk later, but I find that amusing. All of this wasn’t as painful as I had always heard it should be, just incredibly frustrating that it was taking so long and that I didn’t understand how to do it. After nearly 2 hours of pushing, I could sense that things were getting tense in the room and I heard Cathy say “Get me the episiotomy kit”. Oh no you don’t!! She said very firmly “Okay, Brianna, you are pushing this baby out with this next push”. I knew something must be wrong (later I found out that his heart rate was dropping too low for too long). I still couldn’t get him out with that push, but a few pushes later I felt Cathy trying to help me open up and his head was out!
Out!
I expected his body to slide right out after that, but it was not that easy! They finally were able to pull him out and said “Reach down and take your baby!” Relieved but spacey, I looked helplessly at Gabe and said “Help me!” So he brought Isaiah up to me and I saw his perfect face. His eyes were wide open and he was bigger than I imagined, but with just as much hair, and his face even more beautiful that I had ever expected. There you are, little one, I know you! “Don’t pull so hard!” the ladies interrupted, because he was still attached at the cord. “Cut the cord, Daddy!” But Gabe wasn’t even in the room! He’d gone to fetch the camera. I remember thinking, hurry up and cut that darn cord, I need to kiss my baby! The cord was cut and Isaiah latched immediately and began nursing. But we weren’t out of the woods yet. The placenta wasn’t coming out. I didn’t feel any contractions, and Cathy said “Come on and push, just like you did before.” But it still didn’t come out. They pushed on my belly and it finally came out somehow, but I was too distracted by my baby to notice. I did, however, notice the feeling of blood gushing out of me. I told myself not to be afraid, although I’d been afraid of hemorrhaging. I trusted these women. I knew they knew what to do. “Tell yourself to stop bleeding.” Debbie massaged my belly vigorously to try to clamp down the blood vessels, but it wasn’t working. I was starting to feel dazed. Debbie said calmly, “Brianna, you’re hemorrhaging. We know you didn’t want any meds, but we need you to give us permission to give you a shot of pitocin to contract the blood vessels.” I said, “Do whatever the hell you need to, the baby’s out, I don’t care!” It worked. Then I heard someone say “What is that?” Apparently, Isaiah’s head dragged my cervix out with him and it was torn a little. I had stitches and Cathy pushed it back in. She also had to sew up another little tear, but I was just so thankful that I didn’t have to get an episiotomy. After sticking around to examine us and make sure we were all okay, they stepped out to leave us alone for a while. Gabriel fell asleep after a few minutes. I know he was so exhausted. But I was wide awake! I couldn’t stop staring at my little baby. Esther, our precious nurse, came in and talked with me for an hour or two. Later, the lovely Whitney made an appearance and made me some more food. I was able to recap my birth experience with her and show off my little man. She answered any questions I thought of and packed up whatever chocolate cake I had not wolfed down. I very much enjoyed those first few hours after those intense days of labor.
Debriefing – I won the Battle
Wow. So that‘s what it’s like to have a baby, I thought. That was a lot harder and a lot easier… just different than I thought. I could barely believe it. Harder because labor was so long (almost 3 days), and I couldn’t figure out how to push right. Easier because I kept expecting to “feel like you’re gonna die” like so many women have told me. I didn’t panic, I didn’t puke, I didn’t feel like I was being ripped open, and I didn’t think I was gonna die. All in all, childbirth wasn’t all that bad, I thought. Just the stupid labor part. A few hours after lying in bed with my sleeping husband and new little baby, the midwives came back in to check on us. They spoke very gently to me, “So, are you okay? Emotionally?” Heck yes I was! I thought that was such a silly question, until they explained. Apparently, my labor and delivery were much more difficult than is typical. They assured me that my future experiences should not be nearly as hard. I wanted to laugh because I hadn’t thought it was all that bad, and if it would be easier in the future, then bring it on!
For so many years I had been afraid of childbirth, convinced that I couldn’t survive it naturally because of some health issues I knew I had. And yet, my midwives believed in me and told me not to be afraid. Debbie told me the first time I ever spoke with her, “God would not have given you this baby if you could not bring him into the world.” Debbie Perry and Cathy Gordon will forever be my heroes. Through them, God changed so many things in me, but most importantly, I won the battle against Fear. I won. I had faith and I overcame. Those women, as well as Gabriel, believed all along that I could do it, but I had to believe it myself. I thank God for them. They held me up and supported me in strength, telling me to trust what God had done in me. None of the things I had been afraid of had even arisen as an issue during labor and delivery. It was a miracle, and yet so natural, so powerful.
We brought a child into this world.
We’ll say the one thing that everyone should hear:
“You were meant for
amazing things.”
-Sleeping At Last
Isaiah Samuel Paduganan. Born June 26, 2010 at 2:58am. 7lbs 10oz. 20 inches.
