“You were meant for amazing things.” The Birth Story

September 3, 2010 at 7:34 pm (Uncategorized)
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It’s been over 2 months since Isaiah Samuel Paduganan was born, but I will vividly remember that story as long as I live.  I don’t care if anyone reads this, I’m writing it because it brings me joy to talk about that day – or “days”, rather… let me explain…  :)

Labor – the first 2 days
I reached 40 weeks of pregnancy with no signs of real labor, aside from 2 separate occasions of disappointing false labor weeks earlier.  I was so irritated.  I walked vigorously for 2 miles, scrubbed the floor, took a hot bath – anything I could think of to bring on contractions.  At last check, I had been 80% effaced but let’s just say Isaiah’s head wasn’t quite lined up against the “door” right.  When my due date came and went, I started feeling desperate and began looking into natural means of induction.  Finally, one of those methods worked (ask me personally if you’re interested in knowing) and my contractions began suddenly at 3 minutes apart, slowing to 8 minutes apart at 2pm on a Wednesday.  I was excited but not convinced it was real.  Contractions kept coming regularly, increasing in intensity but not frequency, which is when I realized that mine was not going to be a short labor.  I was annoyed that I couldn’t sleep that night, hoping that I’d stay rested.  Gabriel and I drove to the birth center later on Thursday, to check and make sure everything was okay since contractions were still only about 6 minutes apart.  Our midwife Cathy checked and found that I was only 2 centimeters, but things still weren’t lined up exactly right which is why I was progressing so slowly.  She advised me to take a walk.  We went to the mall because it was air conditioned (it was a brutally hot summer day), but that is a mistake I’ll never make again.  I’d been warned not to look like I was in labor because someone might call 911, so I mustered up the best acting skills I could, for I was in quite a bit of discomfort at that point.  Looking back, it was really quite funny, because we would slowly walk along until I felt a contraction coming, at which point I would stop, try not to grimace, and pretend to look interested in whatever merchandise was in front of me.  This was hardly believable, especially in front of athletic shoe stores and such.  At the end of our mall adventure, I stopped to use the restroom at Barnes & Noble and passed my plug.  I waited for my water to break but it didn’t.  We drove home (by the way, being in the car is the WORST thing to do while in labor).  Contractions hovered between 4 and 6 minutes apart that night, and I was starting to get very tired and frustrated.  Being tired makes it much more difficult to control the pain because the only way to alleviate it is to completely relax and breathe deeply through the back of the throat – when all you want to do is tense up and yell.  I made Gabriel stay up with me that night, I didn’t want to be alone.  I made the poor guy time every single contraction, just because I had to feel like I maintained some kind of control or order in the situation.  In retrospect, I should have definitely let him sleep, especially since I would depend on his strength to help me later.

At this point, day and night blurred together and we entered the twilight zone.  I began shaking with exhaustion during each contraction.  A couple times I looked hopelessly at Gabriel and said “I don’t think I can make it all the way”.  Repeatedly, during the height of the discomfort, I heard this argument in my head: “I want anesthesia”, then, “No, not an option” and then I felt stronger because I knew that this was my choice.  I could trust my body to do this.  I was made for this.  Several times over those more difficult hours, we called Debbie (our other awesome midwife) and she would breathe with me.  Miraculously, I stopped shaking and felt no pain each time she helped me breathe.  The poor woman had already been up for 3 days for other births and she still stayed on the phone with me.  I felt like such a wimp, but I couldn’t help it.

It’s Business Time
Finally, by Friday afternoon I had decided I’d had enough, I found my second wind and said “We’re doing this! We’re doing this now!”  I began pacing around the apartment, unable to sit anymore, and told my body to open up.  Things started happening quicker.  I checked and found that everything was lining up where it needed to be.  The contractions came 2 to 3 minutes apart and we called Debbie at 7:30pm, saying we thought it might be time to meet at the birth center.  She instructed me to “check” to see how dilated I was.  I can’t even explain how confusing it is to try to do this to yourself while in labor… and as a result… [GUSH] I broke my water by accident.  Soaking the bath mats in the bathroom, I excitedly reported what just happened.  Debbie sighed and said “Congratulations, you’ll have a baby in less than 24 hours.”  She was so patient and helpful through all this, though I know she was so tired.

At the Birth Center
I don’t remember much of the drive to the birth center, but it took a half hour to get there.  I had prayed in the months preceding that God would give me grace for that drive when the time came, knowing how bumpy the way is.  As it happened, I entered this “zone”, feeling like I was almost in a trance, which made it much less unpleasant than I had feared.  This was an answer to prayer.  Anyway, we arrived at almost 9pm.  The lovely Cathy Gordon was standing outside to greet us as it was getting darker outside.  I began having a contraction on the front porch and she took my arms and wrapped them around Gabriel’s shoulders, instructing me to go limp and let him hold me up.  This is how I spent each contraction until I reached full dilation, which is why I should have let him sleep the night before.  Holding up 170 lbs of pregnant, laboring woman can’t be easy. They asked if I wanted the water birth room, I said “Sure”, and also asked what kind of birthday cake I wanted (chocolate, of course).  We settled into the room, Cathy and Esther (our amazing nurse) did whatever examinations were needed (I was about 7 centimeters) and gave us instructions on what to do if we needed anything, then left us alone to labor together in our cool, relaxing room.  We were in the Ocean View room, which was like a large bedroom with a birthing tub near the bed.  A small living room and kitchen area were adjoining the bedroom.  It was so pleasant, especially compared to the cold environment of a hospital room.  The lights were turned down low, my very awesome playlist of favorite songs was playing in the background, and Gabriel held me up while I breathed through my contractions.  Esther was baking the birthday cake in our little kitchen, and the delicious smell of chocolate started to fill the air.  Suddenly, I started to feel like I was opening up.  It was awesome.  Debbie showed me how to lunge into my contractions now.  I heard Esther tell them that my contractions were only 60 seconds apart.  “Wow”, I thought, “this must be transition… but I don’t feel frightened or dying like I thought I would.”

Push?
Only a few minutes later, I felt like the baby’s head was getting close and I had a hard time resisting the urge to push.  I looked down and saw a few drops of blood on the floor under me.  I was getting excited and called the midwives back.  I really wanted to push the baby out while I was standing up.  I had been standing for about 10 or 12 hours by then because it hurt too much to sit (which is why I didn’t have a water birth – after one contraction in that tub I said “Get me out of here, I can’t sit down!”).  But I was shaking from being tired and they insisted that I lie down on the bed.  Now, this is where I’d like to go back and relive this part, because what happened after I got to the bed was very confusing to me.  First of all, I was caught by surprise because I didn’t realize I’d already gone through transition.  Secondly, I couldn’t feel my contractions anymore once I laid down.  It was dimly lit as I stared at the ceiling, I was surrounded by my 2 midwives, nurse, and Gabriel, and what it meant to “push” was not anything like I thought it was supposed to be.  They kept telling me to wait until I felt a contraction to push. But no, I was getting that baby out, with or without a contraction.  They tried several different things to try to help me understand how to push, including having me look at the baby’s head with the mirror while touching it with my hand.  Feeling that poor kid’s squished head was NOT something I enjoyed.  I just wanted him OUT!  I could see his hair and I pictured his innocent baby face mercilessly compressed by my body – not a pleasant thought to me.  I tried pulling on my leg while Gabe pulled hard on the other one, which resulted in me not being able to walk later, but I find that amusing.  All of this wasn’t as painful as I had always heard it should be, just incredibly frustrating that it was taking so long and that I didn’t understand how to do it.  After nearly 2 hours of pushing, I could sense that things were getting tense in the room and I heard Cathy say “Get me the episiotomy kit”.  Oh no you don’t!!  She said very firmly “Okay, Brianna, you are pushing this baby out with this next push”.  I knew something must be wrong (later I found out that his heart rate was dropping too low for too long).  I still couldn’t get him out with that push, but a few pushes later I felt Cathy trying to help me open up and his head was out!

Out!
I expected his body to slide right out after that, but it was not that easy!  They finally were able to pull him out and said “Reach down and take your baby!”  Relieved but spacey, I looked helplessly at Gabe and said “Help me!” So he brought Isaiah up to me and I saw his perfect face.  His eyes were wide open and he was bigger than I imagined, but with just as much hair, and his face even more beautiful that I had ever expected.  There you are, little one, I know you!  “Don’t pull so hard!” the ladies interrupted, because he was still attached at the cord.  “Cut the cord, Daddy!” But Gabe wasn’t even in the room!  He’d gone to fetch the camera.  I remember thinking, hurry up and cut that darn cord, I need to kiss my baby!  The cord was cut and Isaiah latched immediately and began nursing.  But we weren’t out of the woods yet.  The placenta wasn’t coming out.  I didn’t feel any contractions, and Cathy said “Come on and push, just like you did before.”  But it still didn’t come out.  They pushed on my belly and it finally came out somehow, but I was too distracted by my baby to notice.  I did, however, notice the feeling of blood gushing out of me.  I told myself not to be afraid, although I’d been afraid of hemorrhaging.  I trusted these women.  I knew they knew what to do.  “Tell yourself to stop bleeding.”  Debbie massaged my belly vigorously to try to clamp down the blood vessels, but it wasn’t working.  I was starting to feel dazed.  Debbie said calmly, “Brianna, you’re hemorrhaging.  We know you didn’t want any meds, but we need you to give us permission to give you a shot of pitocin to contract the blood vessels.”  I said, “Do whatever the hell you need to, the baby’s out, I don’t care!”  It worked.  Then I heard someone say “What is that?”  Apparently, Isaiah’s head dragged my cervix out with him and it was torn a little.  I had stitches and Cathy pushed it back in.  She also had to sew up another little tear, but I was just so thankful that I didn’t have to get an episiotomy.  After sticking around to examine us and make sure we were all okay, they stepped out to leave us alone for a while.  Gabriel fell asleep after a few minutes.  I know he was so exhausted.  But I was wide awake!  I couldn’t stop staring at my little baby.  Esther, our precious nurse, came in and talked with me for an hour or two.  Later, the lovely Whitney made an appearance and made me some more food.  I was able to recap my birth experience with her and show off my little man.  She answered any questions I thought of and packed up whatever chocolate cake I had not wolfed down.  I very much enjoyed those first few hours after those intense days of labor.

Debriefing – I won the Battle
Wow.  So that‘s what it’s like to have a baby, I thought.  That was a lot harder and a lot easier… just different than I thought.  I could barely believe it. Harder because labor was so long (almost 3 days), and I couldn’t figure out how to push right.  Easier because I kept expecting to “feel like you’re gonna die” like so many women have told me.  I didn’t panic, I didn’t puke, I didn’t feel like I was being ripped open, and I didn’t think I was gonna die.  All in all, childbirth wasn’t all that bad, I thought.  Just the stupid labor part.  A few hours after lying in bed with my sleeping husband and new little baby, the midwives came back in to check on us.  They spoke very gently to me, “So, are you okay? Emotionally?”  Heck yes I was! I thought that was such a silly question, until they explained.  Apparently, my labor and delivery were much more difficult than is typical.  They assured me that my future experiences should not be nearly as hard.  I wanted to laugh because I hadn’t thought it was all that bad, and if it would be easier in the future, then bring it on!

For so many years I had been afraid of childbirth, convinced that I couldn’t survive it naturally because of some health issues I knew I had.  And yet, my midwives believed in me and told me not to be afraid.  Debbie told me the first time I ever spoke with her, “God would not have given you this baby if you could not bring him into the world.”  Debbie Perry and Cathy Gordon will forever be my heroes.  Through them, God changed so many things in me, but most importantly, I won the battle against Fear.  I won.  I had faith and I overcame.  Those women, as well as Gabriel, believed all along that I could do it, but I had to believe it myself.  I thank God for them.  They held me up and supported me in strength, telling me to trust what God had done in me.  None of the things I had been afraid of had even arisen as an issue during labor and delivery.  It was a miracle, and yet so natural, so powerful.

We brought a child into this world.
We’ll say the one thing that everyone should hear:

“You were meant for
amazing things.”

-Sleeping At Last

Isaiah Samuel Paduganan.  Born June 26, 2010 at 2:58am. 7lbs 10oz. 20 inches.

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All About Preggers (and holidays)

January 6, 2010 at 3:16 pm (Uncategorized)
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After using a bella band for a couple weeks, I finally broke down and bought maternity pants last week, right before my 16 week mark.  I got some pretty sweet deals.  I even bought a couple cute blouses, but honestly, I hated the way I looked the day I wore one of them.  I feel much cuter in my normal clothes stretched over my swelling waistline.  Someone asked in surprise, “You’re already wearing maternity??” Well, yes, I am.  The bella band is awesome, but I can’t even zip my pants anymore and my trusty size 4 jeans are just painful now.  My new pants, however, yielded the most liberating feeling I’ve ever experienced from a wardrobe item… I could finally breathe again!  I’m “showing” more at the end of the day as my abs get tired and especially after constantly bending over at work.  I wonder if massage therapists have the biggest pregnant bellies.  I have to admit, it’s getting really annoying when people say “Wow you’re really showing early!”  Especially moms.  Well, I have news for you, my pelvis is narrow and my torso is short, and I’ve always been pretty slim.  This kid has nowhere to go but out in front, so you can stuff it.  It seems like the only moms that have understood are those that are even more narrow-waisted than I. *sigh* Okay, sorry.  I’m 4 months and ready for people stop commenting about the fact that I’m looking potbellied.  I dare you to poke it.  It’s firm, not fatty.

Next week will be an exciting week for me.  I will have my first prenatal appointment!  Yes, I’ll be 17 weeks, which is considered late for a first appointment.  But again, all those stuffy well-wisher advice-givers can get over it.  That was the first available.  I’ll get to meet my 2 midwives in person and proudly explain how well I’ve taken care of myself.  Some of you have asked how I already know the gender without having gone to a prenatal appointment.  One word: connections. *wink*  Let’s just say I know the right people.  And actually, seeing on screen how healthy that boy is has really eased my worries associated with a delayed appointment.  Anyway… 2 days after my appointment, Gabriel and I will start our pregnancy class!  I’m pretty excited about this.  And the third thing that happens next week, which is the best part of all, is the one year anniversary of when Gabriel and I officially started dating!  I think we both knew right from the start that we would someday get married, but I don’t know that either of us imagined that we’d be so blessed in the coming year.  I know I never in my dreams thought I would be 4 months pregnant on the one year anniversary of beginning this beautiful, God-ordained relationship.  I love my best friend.

I haven’t written since before Christmas, so let me just fill you in on a few events.  Our first Christmas together was the best one I’ve ever had.  Knowing that it would probably be the only Christmas we’d ever have with it being just the two of us, I soaked it in as best as I could.  It was a very white Christmas, blizzardly in fact.  But it was so beautiful.  We sat together by the tree and I watched the snow falling outside while Gabriel read aloud about the birth of Jesus.  Opening presents was a lot of fun.  Then Gabe cooked an amazing breakfast and our friend Cory came over to eat with us.  Cory, being an experienced driver during snow storms, drove the 3 of us to the park, where the boys played a couple hours of disc golf in a foot of snow and 30 mph winds.  Crazy? Yeah maybe.  But it was awesome.  The rest of the day was gloriously lazy as we watched Milo & Otis and took an afternoon nap.

My parents came a couple days later, which I was really excited about, and spent the day with us on Sunday.  After church, we ate at Aladdin’s and later had dinner at Jazz Louisiana Restaurant (live music).  The OneThing conference was also that week, but I only made it for 2 of the days because of work.  There were 20,000 people there.  On New Year’s Day, Gabe and I spent the day watching football with my parents and finished off the day with dinner at our favorite Mexican restaurant on Main Street.

As you may have noticed, I started a “Recipes” page.  It will be slow in coming because I haven’t been cooking/baking a lot lately, but I still wanted to have a place to share the recipes I’ve discovered or created.  Feel free to check it out!

This picture was taken last week.

12/29/09 = 15weeks

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A Baby Blue Christmas

December 24, 2009 at 7:35 pm (Uncategorized)
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It’s Christmas Eve and I just had to get out of the apartment, knowing that I won’t be going anywhere tomorrow and we’re about to get snowed in. The streets were already slick when I left, so my visit to the coffee shop needs to be brief.

There are many things on my mind, and many events to report, so I’ll just start writing and see what happens.

First, the good news:

We’re having a BOY!

Not that it’s a surprise, seeing as how everyone has suggested it was a boy (particularly Gabriel). So I’ll set aside my creative girl names and take a deep breath as Papa Bear intensifies the search for the perfect name for his first-born son.

We weren’t expecting to find out the gender so soon, but it was quite obvious. When we were in Alabama last weekend for Daniel’s wedding, Poppa called and said we could come in for an ultrasound at the hospital. This was a great idea because then Gabriel and both my parents could get a glimpse of our June Bug. It was magical. He popped up on the screen instantly and was wriggling, kicking, punching, swallowing, and dancing all over my belly. So perfect. Seeing his fingers and toes, his perfect spine and little face, I felt a peace inside me that silenced all my anxiety. There was my son, my perfect baby boy, not quite the length of my hand, showing off his jazzy dance skills. It’s a sight I will never forget, alongside the way my heart jumped when the tech said “It’s a boy!” My husband and my parents – the ones who know me best – were there beside me.  This Christmas is Baby Blue.

I enjoyed our time in Alabama. Crowds aren’t really my thing nowadays, but I endured it with enjoyment this time. Watching my little brother get married was unusually relieving. I don’t know any other way to describe it. It was like being able to take a deep breath and let it out in a comforting sigh. It was also really great to spend time with my family, specifically my parents and the Finchers, and my grandfather who looked so proud and handsome in his new suit. My great-aunts and uncles were at the wedding too, and they once again brought a big smile to my heart with their stories of being married for 60 and 70 years. Once again, I am reminded that I have a heritage of gold. It’s times like those that I really really miss my grandmother.  She missed both our weddings and the news of our baby by less than a year. I miss her. I really miss her.

Coming home always opens up the floodgates of emotion for me, many different kinds of emotion. So many memories that I’ve run away from, so many that I cherish, a casserole of hurts and comforts.  Each time I return, I’m caught by surprise, whether it be by my most beloved people turning a cold shoulder to me, or rediscovering the beautiful sight of my hometown lit up on a winter night. I walk away both refreshed and drained. It’s hard for me to imagine living there again, unable to run away like I always have in the past. I think I’ll need to go through more inner healing in regards to my hometown memories before I can live there again. But God is merciful.

There are many more things I would like to say, but the snow is falling heavier now and I need to get home.

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On this day in 2008…

December 6, 2009 at 5:32 pm (Uncategorized)
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One year ago today, Gabriel knocked on the door of my apartment for the first time, and so began a beautiful forever…

I remember that night so well.  I was depressed, actually, and very disheveled in appearance.  The last 4 weeks had been some of the hardest of my life, and I was going through Pure Heart‘s inner healing program to boot.  I was emotionally shredded.  In fact, I don’t think I could have been more broken on the night that would essentially change the rest of my future.  I wrote in my journal a month before our meeting:

In the wake of deflated dreams, deferred hope, disappointed anticipation…

Steadfast love of the Lord never ceases.
His mercies never come to an end,
They are new every morning, new every morning,
Great is Thy faithfulness, O Lord
Great is Thy faithfulness

I bought my wedding dress yesterday.
I have never felt more beautiful.

Even in the midst of mourning.
I will indeed dance again.

(That’s right, I bought a wedding dress.  It’s a long story, but I felt very strongly that God told me to do it, and He provided for it.  Amazingly, the dress was custom made in about 6 months and was delivered just in time for our wedding.  God knows what He’s doing.)
Though I had truly felt that my dreams had been absolutely defrauded, this was the first time that my faith in the God’s plan was not shaken.  I needed that.  I needed that much brokenness for Him to prove to me that what He placed inside me would remain.  I needed to know it before He suddenly answered my earnest hopes and deepest desire… because the answer did come suddenly, when I least expected it. This is how it happened…

Anyway, Micah was coming over for tea to cheer me up and had convinced Gabriel to tag along.  Gabriel had just moved here from California 2 days prior, so he was having a tough time too, mostly with adjusting to the extreme weather change and homesickness.  He even says that he was beginning to think that moving to the Midwest might have been a mistake and he was ready to turn around and retrace his steps back to sunny California.  I was shy around this new guy, but I tried to hide it.  I wasn’t used to being shy around guys.  There was something about him that caught my attention and distracted me out of the weird fog I was in (a “fog” that would quickly clear with each day we spent together).  I wanted him to like me.  What he thought mattered to me, and that actually bothered me a little bit, but I kinda liked it too.  There was something about him that made me realize that I couldn’t play games anymore.  It was time to be the real me, and he brought it out of me, however gloriously messy that was. Ha ha!  I felt real.  Real.  For the first time in years.  And I knew that I needed this man in my life for the rest of my days on earth.

And now, one year later, I am full of more joy in life than I have ever known, for I have the love of my life, my child growing inside me, and I know my God will never leave me wandering in the dark.

I hope this encourages someone.  I hope that somehow you can see that it is not in your striving that God brings about the answer to your heart’s cry.  No, it’s in surrender.  It’s in trust, even in brokenness.  It’s in knowing that He is enough for you.  His ways are not our ways.  Great is God’s faithfulness.

2 months after we met

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Sleepless in Prenatal

December 3, 2009 at 10:48 pm (Uncategorized)
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After requiring 8 to 10 hours of sleep a night for the last 2 months, I seem to have begun an insomnia streak.  I feel pretty miserable today as a result, but also because I drank an ambitious amount of prune juice and quickly regretted it.  Today all my woes joined forces to overwhelm me… including, but not limited to, TMJ, incredibly itchy skin, tension neck/headache, exhaustion, and round ligament pain – a new and somewhat scary feeling for me.  Thank God my nausea isn’t as bad (though my ab cramps are worse), because I think I might just want to die.  Also, I’m so grateful I didn’t have to work today.  The last few days have been a struggle.

Probably the most amusing symptom I’m having is my incredible cry response.  Seriously, every sort of emotional response, whether positive or negative, has been coming out as a sob.  For instance, I was watching a funny youtube video today, and instead of laughing I started to cry.  I watch a movie, I sob throughout.  I open a UPS package, I cry.  I read a book, particularly this line “For those who are pregnant, I kept you especially in mind when I wrote this book”… I fall to pieces.

Let me share a very embarrassing story to illustrate my point even further (please let me stress that I’m not proud of what I’m about to say, but it strengthens my story):  Stuck at home with a cold earlier this week, I was bored out of my mind and with desperation I turned to an online episode of that ridiculous high school show called Glee.  At one point, there was a group kids from a school for the deaf, and they began doing sign language to the song “Imagine”.  The other hearing students started singing and trying to follow along with the hand motions.  I bawled like a baby.  What’s worse, I confessed this experience to Gabriel later and started crying just talking about it.

It’s crazy.  But I guess the good side of it is that most of my crying is almost a cry of relief, if that makes any sense, as if I’m subconsciously thinking “yes, I’m going to be ok” or “I’m so glad that was funny, it almost makes me happy”.  Pregnancy makes you insane, I tell you.  Literally.

Speaking of sobbing, we watched “The Business of Being Born” by recommendation of Debbie Perry.  It was all I could do to try to keep my weeping quiet enough so as not to distract Gabriel or overpower the audio.  It was a beautiful movie.  I’m crying right now just thinking about it.  I strongly advise every expecting parent to watch it.  I felt so much more peace about the labor process, specifically natural birth, than I ever have.  I’m now reading Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth, in addition to the other pregnancy literature I’ve been absorbing.

I’ve passed the 11 week mark and have yet to schedule a prenatal appointment, but hopefully I’ll get my medicaid application in next week.  I was finally able to access my pay stubs through the new system.  I’m also planning on going to a clinic next week that gives free ultrasounds, so that will be totally exciting if it works out.

In holiday news, we got our Christmas tree up, however sparse the decorations, and our Christmas presents have begun arriving in the mail (we’ve done the bulk of our shopping online this year).  My Christmas music playlist has been created, and I’m feeling that I need some new additions.  My seasonal recipes have yet to make their appearance, but I just haven’t been up to it lately.  Still, I’m more excited about this Christmas than I have been in years.  Our Thanksgiving proved to be a smashing success, despite the absence of our extended families, and I have faith that our Christmas will be even more enjoyable.

That’s all I have the energy for now, but I will say one last thing:  Gabriel has to go out of town this weekend for a work trip, so I’ll be spending Saturday evening along after my long work day.  If anyone would like to keep me company or at least send me amusing messages to keep me entertained, please don’t hesitate.

Love.

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A Casserole of Emotion

November 25, 2009 at 4:26 pm (Uncategorized)
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Turkey Day
This is the first Thanksgiving I will have without my family.  Thank God I have a husband to share it with, and for that I am excited.  It’s a bittersweet time for me, really, and I have not succeeded in sorting out my feelings.  I think I am most sorrowful for my parents, though, because both my brother and I will not be with them this year.  Perhaps they will find comfort in knowing that this time next year, they will not only have us, but also their new son- & daughter-in-law, as well as a grandbaby.  I’m expecting that the reality of the situation won’t hit me until Thanksgiving morning when I wake up to the absence of the annual yummy smells wafting from the kitchen, and the silence of the television which will not be showing the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.  At the same time, I think it will be good for me to have this experience, because I feel like it will expand my boundaries in the area of tradition.  Instead of our own family, Gabriel and I will be feasting with a family he has known for quite a while.  I generally don’t enjoy being enveloped by holiday traditions of people I am mostly unfamiliar with, but I am already mentally preparing myself for it so I can enjoy it with grace.  Being with Gabriel makes me feel more comfortable anyway.  I’m so glad to begin celebrating holidays together, beginning our own family.  I’ve been very much hoping to be able to watch the Plaza Lighting ceremony since this is probably our last Thanksgiving in KC, but knowing that Gabriel is very opposed to it, I will have to work it out.

Preggo Update
I’m now past the 10 week mark, but still have not seen a doctor.  There have been some complications with trying to get my paystubs, due to the new online system, which has prevented me from seeing what option is best.  I’m frustrated by this, but it’s somewhat beyond my control.  At this rate, I’ll be nearly into my second trimester before I even get blood work done.  I’m doing my best to do what I think is best for my body and my baby, based on the things that I’ve read.  But I still have questions.  Yesterday I got worried because I was experiencing some pretty strong cramping.  It lasted only a few minutes, so I’m trying to not to be anxious, but it would help if I had an expert on my side to reassure me that everything is fine.

My nausea continues to stay almost manageable, but I’m still experiencing other flu-like symptoms throughout the day and night that are understandably draining.  I feel sorry for Gabriel because I’m afraid it seems to him that I’ve become nothing but a lazy couch potato when I’m not at work.  But I really do feel completely drained of energy most of the time, intimidated by the thought of running errands or being active.  At least my cleaning skills seem to be slowly returning, apart from the kitchen (which is its own beast).  Gabriel is very gracious and servant-hearted, for which I am extremely grateful, and helps tremendously with cooking and the dishes.  In fact, he has almost entirely taken on the role of cook and dishwasher, and has never complained.  He is wonderful.  I am blessed by the best husband I could ever have asked for.

Rekindled dreams
This may sound random, but it has really been on my heart for the last few days.  I have a strong desire to adopt children.  You might say I’m feeling this right now because of all the maternal hormones overpowering my system, but the desire was there before I ever got pregnant.  The passion has been rekindled by the stories of the amazing families I know that are demonstrating the Father’s love through adoption.  I’ve been reading their stories with tears and thanksgiving, longing to participate in this great Strategy. Most recently I’ve been touched by stories of both Loux families (whose heart for adoption is the greatest I’ve ever seen, demonstrated through their numerous adopted children), Tom & Donna Cole (who are raising money to adopt 2 babies from the Marshall Islands), and the Phillips family (I just read their journey to adopt their daughter from China).  I think this desire of mine stems partly from my burden/love for other nations, and I feel that to welcome a child into my heart would also more permanently knit my life together with the nation he or she was born in.  This is in addition to the overwhelming love of God toward those of us in His family, which I would love to overflow into the lives of the fatherless.  This is the true gospel.

That’s all for now.

Here’s my 10 week pooch:

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A Sofa and the Spirit

November 15, 2009 at 4:35 pm (Uncategorized)
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I haven’t written in a quite a few days, but my usual free time was unavailable this past week.  Let me tell you why…

I’ll try to make this short because it rather upsets me, and it’s most likely boring to passers-by.  It seems like ever since Gabriel and I have been together, my futon has been a source of discomfort in the apartment.  There is no sofa.  Actually, the only “nice” piece of furniture in the place is the over-sized chair I’ve had for more than 10 years.  So, I decided that I was going to buy a sofa for Gabriel as a Christmas present.  Last Wednesday, feeling incredibly empowered by a delay of morning sickness, and after a few days of online price comparison, I made the journey through the Kansas countryside to Nebraska Furniture Mart — my new favorite store.  I sat on every single sofa that was under $600, multiple times on a few.  After an hour I found “the one”.  It was green and oh so comfy.  Elated, I paid for it and found out that I made the deadline for next day delivery.  Here’s where the story becomes tragic.  The next day was spent with making the living room ready for a major transition, all the while trying not to make Gabriel suspicious.  Then I waited.  Finally, there was a knock at the door and my heart jumped.  My sofa!! Okay… I’ll skip the details of what happened next because they sent me into a pit of despair, but long story short: it didn’t fit through the door.

I was crestfallen.

The sofa was loaded back onto the truck by the angry delivery men, and I was left bawling on my pathetic futon.

We remain sofa-less, and it’ll probably stay that way now.  But Gabriel was so gentle and kind, even though I cried and carried on like the overly emotional, hormone-wrecked pregnant woman that I am.  Now I’m back to the drawing board for fantastic and surprising Christmas present ideas.  At least we’ll have a tree this year, so all is not lost… even though, we won’t be with our families for the holidays.  :’(

Also worthy of note (more so than the sofa story), is that there has been a great outpouring of the Holy Spirit here at the House of Prayer.  We’re talking nightly meetings of worship, prayer, salvations, and miraculous healings.  It’s the biggest move of God I’ve seen here since I moved to Kansas City, and it’s something that we have needed and longed for.  I haven’t been able to actually attend the meetings because of work and then baby-related sickness, but Gabriel has, and there’s a free webstream each night from 6pm to midnight on ihop.org You should definitely check it out.  We’re going tonight along with a friend of mine I used to work with named Julee.

In pregnancy news, I’m 2 months along.  I still haven’t seen a doctor but I’ve talked to an awesome midwife over the phone who really helped me and put my mind at ease.  I’ve had quite a bit of fear associated with the labor/delivery concept, and whether I am capable of going through it naturally despite my history of severe reactions to pain.  Debbie Perry, the midwife, is incredible, and I really feel good about going forward with this under her direction.  Also, in preggo news, I may have conquered the evil sting of morning sickness thanks to Jennifer James, who gave me a B6 supplement.  That, in combination with a few other tips I’ve discovered, has been my lifesaver.  Work is still hard for me, but God’s grace is sustaining me.

Well, my husband just got home with yet another early Christmas present (the first was a collection of Bob Dylan DVD’s — hallelujah), an air humidifier, so I must go now and admire it!!

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June Bug

October 28, 2009 at 7:58 pm (Uncategorized)
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Disclaimer: this post is much longer than it needs to be.  Get over it.  I’m pregnant.

This has been the worst day so far in my pregnancy.  I only left my bed long enough for lunch with Gabriel and my daily walk.  I feel like I have the flu.  But I know it’s just the June Bug in my belly.  I have gotten almost nothing done today except for a couple necessary phone calls.  The apartment is cluttered and my laundry dirty (something I suppose I’ll be more accustomed to after the baby is born).  I haven’t even felt like blogging today.   I just wanted to share a little of our lives with you.

Lately, I’ve had somewhat of a heightened anxiety regarding contagious illnesses, especially the flu.  I get nervous when I’m at work, repeatedly in contact with the general public.  I even put up a sign in my treatment room that says that clients are required to tell me if they’re sick.  Yesterday, a lady told me she was sick.  Okay.  So what good does the sign do if I still have to work with her?  I disinfect everything in the room, but that doesn’t do much for the air in a room that’s closed up the whole day with potentially sick people and me in it.  Medical masks are the only solution I can think of.  I’ve had to cast aside some of my immune boost methods, seeing as how the labels discourage pregnant women from taking them.  The flu shot became remarkably appealing after hearing that one of my coworkers recently had a client who later claimed she was getting over the swine flu.  Really, people? Who does that?  There was overwhelming feedback on Facebook when I mentioned I was considering the shot, but really all that it accomplished was two things: fear of the shot, and fear of sickness.  Either way, I’m fearful.  This is not okay.  The only other thing I can think of to do is stay at home all day everyday.  But we can’t afford that right now, AND I would most likely go insane.  As the passing weeks bring me closer to the day when I will be a non-working stay-at-home mom, I am trying to soak up and appreciate the world of employment as best as I can.  Honestly, I just like my job.  I know I’ll LOVE being a mother, and I seriously can’t wait.  But not working and not mothering at the same time are incredibly unappealing to me.

So that’s a window into my troubled thoughts.

Speaking of troubled thoughts.  The possibilities of healthcare coverage (even aid from the government) are swiftly slamming the doors.  I’m somewhat at a loss.  It looks like I almost should quit working, just so we qualify for help.  This is silly, in my opinion.   However, I really don’t know what else to do.  My current course of action: sit tight and just wait.  I’m only just now getting into my 7th week.  I’ve got time to figure this out.  In the mean time, I’ve been doing a ton of research to ensure I’m making the healthiest decisions for my Bun, and that I know what to expect.  What is totally reassuring is that I’m surrounded by awesome moms and moms-to-be that are full of valid advice and support.  I don’t know what I’d do without them.  [Thanks, ladies! I love you!]  If something feels like it’s going wrong, I will bite the bullet and pay a visit out-of-pocket.

I really enjoy having a good reason to watch my diet and exercise.  This is actually fun.  I’ve always liked keeping track of things, but if I don’t have a goal or a good reason, it usually falls by the wayside.  This time, with the genius of my hubby, I’ve created a spreadsheet for my nutritional intake.  It’s fascinating to see what all I actually eat now (much more than I’m used to, but very healthy, nonetheless).  I’m proud of myself for how nutritionally rich my food choices have been.  I would say that my choices have been based on what my body says it needs, but my cravings have majorly waned in the last couple days.  I think the main reason is I’ll think of something I want (today it’s french fries and pepperoni… not very healthy), and then immediately feel like I would just puke it up.  I haven’t thrown up yet, but the nausea is still there. Food is not as appealing, though I still eat plenty because I know I should.  Amazingly, the acupressure points I learned about recently in my prenatal massage course (which I took before I even knew I was prego) have actually worked very well at alleviating my nausea.  Too bad I can’t massage clients with my thumb digging into my opposite wrist.  I might invest in some acupressure bracelets. I’m hoping that the sick feelings don’t get any worse and I can just sail right through the next few weeks to my second trimester.  I hear trimester #2 is the ultimate happy prego time with fewer woes.  That’s when I’m technically allowed to start “showing”.  However, my belly is already swollen, either from water weight or because it just hurts to hold my tummy in now.  My feet are already swollen– hence the new $15 running shoes I recently invested in– so maybe my belly’s just retaining water too.  I haven’t really gained any weight yet, but Gabe says maybe it’s just redistributing itself.  I wouldn’t mind just sticking my tummy out and telling everyone I’m prego, but when I say I’m still in my first trimester, they might just look at me funny.  My primary concern is that I don’t swell so much that I can’t fit into the bridesmaid dress I just picked up a couple days ago (it’s beautiful, by the way, nice choice Maggie!)

On a not-so-woeful note, let me tell you about my hero.
Gabriel is my angel, no pun intended.  He is the absolute most patient and loving husband.  He doesn’t complain when I don’t clean the apartment like I say I’m going to, or when I don’t feel well enough to go to the grocery store, or I’m forgetful or emotional or mean (dang hormones)… and I really don’t know how he puts up with me moping around and groaning about how miserable I feel.  This can’t be the funnest time for him, but he never shows it.  He’s just the same loving, funny, compassionate guy I’ve waited for my whole life.  Lately we’ve been watching movies or shows online while we crochet together, since I rarely feel like going out and doing anything anymore.  I’m always laughing at his jokes and attempts to lighten the mood.  He’s more than I ever thought to ask for.  All the time, I’m learning new things about him that makes me love him even more.  The beauty of who he is fascinates me.

The parents.
Pop & Dawn were planning on coming to visit us on Thanksgiving this year, but plans have changed.  Since the news of the baby, they’ve decided to save their visit until he actually arrives.  We are very thrilled that they will be here for the dawn of our parenting days, but I have to say that I’m sad that they won’t be here for Thanksgiving.  It will be hard enough for me to be away from “home”, as it will be my first holiday apart from my family.  But I know this is something I need to be gracious about, especially since it will be better now that I’m a wife and we have our own little family.  We’ll have plenty more holidays with the ‘rents.
As for a visit from my folks, Poppa & Mom are planning on coming here at the end of December, and we are extremely excited about this!  They’ll be here for the conference, but they’ll be here a couple of extra days just to spend time with us.  We’re really looking forward to it.

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“The Power of Human Chorionic Gonadotropin…

October 21, 2009 at 7:24 pm (Uncategorized)
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…and Other Lovely Stories”

I had my first taste of morning sickness yesterday.  But it was more like bedtime sickness.  I was actually able to hold my stomach contents down, but only with great will power.  My wonderful husband volunteered to search out and purchase some ginger ale, which was lovely.  I hope his miraculous patience endures the coming weeks. Ha!  Last night he made me some dinner, the exact dinner I had requested, but as soon as I saw it I decided I would probably just puke it back up.

The most intense, irritating symptoms I’ve had were just an unrelenting headache and fatigue.  Additionally, I’ve been waking up much earlier than usual against my will, unable to go back to sleep despite how exhausted I feel.  I pee all the freaking time, making work quite interesting.  Another thing that at first kind of sucks but is actually cool too is that my feet are growing already.  Weird.  Especially so early.  By the time I’m ready to give birth, they’ll probably look like boats.  The cool part is I have to go buy new running shoes!  Cheap ones, of course, and with room to grow, but it’s still exciting!

Current smells I cannot endure:  cherry licorice bites (sorry, honey), pomegranate scented germ-X, and tuna.  Bread smells like vinegar.

My craving for the last 3 weeks: Buffalo Wild Wings, particularly parmesan garlic and teriyaki. An interesting side note: I’ve noticed  that I can handle foods that are slightly spicier than I used to abide.  My husband will enjoy this, I think.

I’ve really been “wasting” my time reading pregnancy books and looking up stuff online.  I’ve yet to go to the doctor, but for some reason I don’t feel too rushed about it, considering I’m just now getting into my 6th week (which is when the heartbeat starts. yay!).  I’m currently trying to figure out how to get on Medicaid, seeing as we won’t qualify based on our combined incomes of the last few months (due to my dramatic increase in work hours in preparation for the house purchase that hasn’t happened).  We’ll qualify as soon as I decrease my workload, but I doubt the government would take that into consideration.  Until I figure this out, I’m just gonna let my little pea keep growing so that I’ll hear a nice heartbeat when I do finally go in for an ultrasound.

I just want to let the world know that I have the best husband any girl could ever ask for.  He is so very patient, self-sacrificing, and gentle with me.  I’m totally in awe of how he loves me and demonstrates it everyday.  Today he made me lunch on his lunch hour, not just cooking what I whimsically thought I wanted, but he anticipated what I would want 5 minutes later too (which was actually very accurate).  As a side note, my serving of turkey bacon doubled today, which was a little humorous.

It’s incredible how fast these changes are happening in my body.  Maybe I’m just extra sensitive to the hormones.  But everything I’ve experienced is outlined as normal in all the literature I’ve read.  I’m slightly anxious about how dramatically these changes might increase in the coming weeks, and also if I’ll still be able to fit into my bridesmaid dress for my brother’s wedding as I launch into my second trimester (supposedly, I’ll have gained at least 5 pounds by then, so I guess it depends on where that weight goes).  I’m very excited.  VERY excited about being pregnant.  Even as I say this through my persistent, nauseating headache.  Oh and thanks to all of you who have been offering advice.  I appreciate and welcome it all!

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When Life Loves Me Back

October 7, 2009 at 8:27 pm (Uncategorized)
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This afternoon is what it’s all about…
Let me tell you.

After a slow start to the morning, I began cooking lunch for Gabriel’s lunch hour.  What a pleasant hour it was, filled with French toast, scrambled eggs, frozen blueberries, French press coffee, and an episode of Heroes.  After this, I embarked on an adventure that was quite ambitious for me: my first Pumpkin Cheesecake.  With a twist on three different recipes, I created my own with a gingersnap crust, maple syrup, cinnamon, nutmeg, and ginger; it promises to be tasty even if the presentation flops.  I attempted to make a pumpkin pie smoothie the other day (one of my greatest joys in life, no exaggeration), and it was a miserable failure… more like pumpkin-soymilk-and-spices juice. Nasty, to say the least, but I drank it ALL so as not to waste.  Pumpkin Cheesecake, take my heart, but please don’t break it.

My hair got moody and suddenly decided to lie flat yesterday, after sticking straight up for a good 5 weeks or so.  I can’t even try to make it look like it did before yesterday.  Now it really looks like a boy hair style.  I don’t mind, but Gabe asks that I please do SOMETHING to change it since right now it looks just like his. Ha ha!  I find this whole situation very humorous.  I still love my short hair, although yesterday I very nearly almost for a split second missed my long hair because I saw a picture of when I wore it straight and blonde in the front.  Even when it’s long again, I’m going to try to resist the urge to bleach it again.

My long work streak is over and now I’m back to my normal schedule, which is refreshing though not as financially productive.  I got to go to church on Sunday and totally chill for the rest of the day with Gabriel. It was absolutely glorious.  Tonight is small group.  And tomorrow I might hang out with a friend or two if I get all my errands done.  Today my goal is to get the apartment clean, though motivation is slow in coming.

October has not failed me yet.  So far it has brought nothing but joy, including the wedding of my friend and boss Rachel Cornwell, a reunion with my college friend Jessica Tracy, the birth of a friend’s baby (or actually, a few of them), the revival of pumpkiny goodness in all of my favorite seasonal recipes, and the list goes on.  Unfortunately, something October may NOT bring is our new house.  Our original plan was to try to purchase a house this month, but employment has become a more difficult issue than expected, so it may be a few months before this dream comes to fruition.  That’s okay.  The tax credit would’ve been nice, but I’d rather act wisely in every step of this big decision, than move quickly and dramatically increase my stress level.  Still, there’s still a possibility of us going forward with this soon, but only if all factors involved are quick to fall into place.  In the mean time, I’m having fun playing around with color schemes in my  head, imagining my kids running around and growing up in our future home.

This has always been an emotional and almost nostalgic season for me.  I can’t help but remember where I was this time last year.  I was insanely happy, making trips to the library to study astronomy and Japanese art, looking for shapes in the stars at night, planning my trip to buy my wedding dress, drinking pumpkin pie smoothies, hanging out with some very dear friends… I was very happy, but very anxious that it would somehow end because I hadn’t ever felt that happy before in my life.  It did end for a time, so I was right to guard my heart.  I had some heartbreaking things happen to me the following month.  But God used every cut and tear to reconstruct my heart to trust Him.  I cry even now thinking about His tenderness toward me.  Even before God has ever allowed my heart to break, He always prepares me in some way, either through a dream, a word from a friend, or a Scripture verse.  He has always been so faithful to me.  It is only through Him that sorrow and loss become healing and restoration.  And now, here, in October 2009, I am the most blessed girl on the planet.  I have a faithful friend as a husband, my beautiful family loves me, and my joy has been redefined in so many ways that I never could have imagined.

Things I love today:

*My loving best friend Gabriel
*Beirut
*Sufjan Stevens
*Jose Gonzalez, particularly “Heartbeats”
*Autumn air
*Helping people (work)
*Crochet
*Football (Gabe even made a fantasy football team for me)
*Wings & beer
*Long-sleeved t-shirts
*Books on CD
*Our little apartment

I could say more, but I really need to get to my chores. Much love to all of you on this beautiful day!

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