There’s something important I’d like to share that many people might not have thought of before (because it continues to happen to me personally on a regular basis). Because of pride, I was hesitant to share, then while I was awake all last night I realized I’m not the only one to deal with this and it’s a simple thing to bring to light. I’ve had many pregnant friends, and I also have massage clients who are pregnant because I actually specialize in prenatal massage, and they’ve opened up to me about the very thing I’m about to talk about.
First let me share a quick story. Yesterday one of my clients said to me “Wow! You’re HUGE!”. Of course I took it in stride, and I understand better when it’s a man or someone who has never been pregnant because they simply haven’t been there or might not understand the emotions in play. But this lady has had a child and she is a kind person who I happen to like and respect, which kind of made this statement a little more stinging. The worst part, I think, was the fact that I laughingly agreed with her. Laughingly, because that was the best way to hide how much it hurt me. By instinctively agreeing with such statements out of social politeness, I was agreeing on a deeper level inside my emotional and psychological self, secretly beating myself up for what is happening to my body. Do you hear how sick that reaction is, considering how natural it is for a pregnant woman to grow in size? And all because someone didn’t think before they spoke. I’d like to break this down a little, so bear with me.
Realize first that to begin a sentence with “Wow!” one is essentially saying “Whatever I’m about to say amazes me greatly!” Um, ouch. Secondly, who in the world enjoys becoming fat against her will? Sure, one can say “But you’re growing a baby”, which is true, but it doesn’t change the fact that the numbers on the scale keep climbing, clothes keep getting tighter, while stretch marks and cellulite continue to multiply. Don’t tell me that wouldn’t bother you. Who in their right mind would walk up to an obese person and say, “Wow! You’re OBESE!”? And who would also say, “Wow! Do you see how taking care of this baby is warping your body?” Or, “Wow! In case you haven’t noticed, your abdomen is grotesquely swollen!” Come on, think about it. Just because a girl is pregnant it doesn’t make her magically immune to such observations or self-consciousness. If anything, she’s more sensitive (hello, hormones!), and this is a time when she needs more encouragement, affirmation, and nurturing.
I will be the first to admit that at 40 weeks pregnant in the middle of the summer I was blown up like a blimp. I look at the last picture taken of me just a few days before Isaiah was born and I cringe. That was at 40 weeks pregnant. I did everything right. I was walking 2 miles a day, eating a diet of primarily fruits, veggies, and whole grains. Some women are just not exempt from looking unnaturally bloated, even when they do all the right things. Then there are some women, like a few of my pregnant clients, who have some kind of back injury or some other health concern that keeps them from being able to even do the best things for their body (like exercise) and they gain more flab than baby or muscle during their pregnancies. I have a back injury myself, but thankfully it doesn’t keep me from walking (most of the time) at a comfortable pace. Because of pain and the fact that my pelvic floor has an extra person resting on it, it’s normal not to be able to run a 10K or get my heart rate up very high (unhealthy to the baby). But imagine what my inner athlete is saying to me during those walks… “Oh my gosh, you’re so unbelievably out of shape. Do you seriously think this stroll through the park – which is so embarrassingly difficult for you – can count as exercise?” When you throw morning sickness into the mix, it’s not always possible for a pregnant girl to eat the best things, but only what won’t make her throw up so the baby is at least getting something, and that adds another complication to the weight gain game.
Speaking of weight gain, I’d like to add that mine is right on track and that doesn’t make me immune to size comments. Many mommies gain weight exactly as they should and still look larger than what someone would expect. Because of torso size or whatever the unique build of the woman, some people “show” more or sooner than others. This was the case for me the first pregnancy, and now also for this one. Imagine how it felt to be a first-time preggo, still physically healthy and very fit, to be told by an otherwise polite stranger “Wow! You’re about to pop!” when I was only 6 months pregnant. And now, at 24 weeks pregnant being told that I look “huge”, it was very discouraging to think “Yep, and I have at least 3 more months to get even huger. Watch me grow and defy your expectations.” I say this to make it known that, even if someone looks like they are a solid month over due, do not assume anything. And especially don’t say anything about it like “Looks like you’ll be having a baby soon!” because no matter when she’s due, “soon” is not soon enough for her and it may not be as soon as you think.
So… that was me venting a little woundedness on behalf of myself and other pregnant ladies. Please don’t feel like I was attacking anyone, I simply wanted to let everyone know what goes on in a girl’s head when seemingly harmless statements are made. They are indeed harmful. So please just be gentle and loving in your words when speaking to a pregnant girl who is inwardly dealing with her change in physique and may be more sensitive at that time. This should be such a special time for her and it’s a valuable opportunity for others to pour into her life in a positive, nurturing way. Next time you see a pregnant momma – first, don’t assume she’s pregnant, but if you know for sure – tell her congratulations! ”You have such a glowing radiance!” “You look beautiful!” Or if she doesn’t look radiant or beautiful but instead looks run down and exhausted, give her strong words of affirmation like “You’re doing such a great job!” Because when it all comes down to it, these pregnant mommies have the awesome responsibility (and privilege) to grow an actual person inside of their own bodies. It’s one of the most self-sacrificial acts a woman will ever perform. She deserves some kind words!
Thank you! And much love.
